Forever in Doubt
...
...who do I really want to be?
At first, I thought it was obvious: help people so they don't have to suffer through the same things you went through.
But I... don't really get anything out of that, do I?
Picture this: You've got a whole bunch of friends that you get along with, maybe even some really close ones. They share their stories, their problems, and you talk about them together, help each other out... you want your friends to feel better to the best of your ability. Most of the time, you might even succeed. In the end, all's well, or as well as it can get.
Except... you're not.
Somehow, you manage to ignore yourself this whole time. Whenever anything's going on, you forget about yourself. You're like a sponge that soaks up all this input from others, and when you're done, you forget to wring yourself out. And what happens to something that doesn't get wringed out?
It begins to rot.
So what's it matter? You're already rotting, might as well keep going. Just keep doing what you've always been doing.
Obviously, though, the rot doesn't stop. It continues to grow, at its own pace. And perhaps, eventually, once you've realized it's grown out of control, it's too late to stop it. The sponge is long overdue for a replacement. Needs to get tossed and all that.
Now, that might've sounded pessimistic, but I'm not at that stage... at least, I don't think I am. But rot is irreversible, isn't it? I mean, you could cut out the parts that are rotten, but you can't do that forever... at some point, won't you be left with nothing? Better wring yourself out before the rot begins to take over. It's a simple preemptive measure. But you'll have to remember first to do it.
I... don't think I have been remembering to do that.
Everything comes in, but nothing comes out. No stories, no problems. Even if I do spill over, no one seems to be able to reinvest the same energy I've put into them. And I'd hate to let it out on others, because they haven't done anything wrong... maybe they're in a rough spot themselves, got more important things to worry about.
But my lack of output has gotten so bad that I'm growing distant to those I consider closest... in a way, I'm slowly watching my relationships with others disintegrate, while they gravitate towards more talkative friends, or their actual partners/significant others.
...I don't know. It always feels like I'm wasting everyone's time by spilling, even my own time. I never have anything nice to share about myself, it's misery all the way down. And I don't want my friends to feel bad, they're already not feeling great. Even those who are eager to hear more about myself always suggest the same things I've already tried... and I have to explain it every time that it hasn't worked. Therapy, medication, self-discipline... time and time again, nothing has helped.
I feel like a failure.
Is it my fault? Or is it actually beyond my control that I'm unable to take care of myself? I can never seem to get a straight answer. Others - especially the professionals I talk to - insist that I'm bogged down by past experiences, which make it extremely difficult for treatment to be successful. I even applied for disability benefits after it's been recommended to me several times. (I'm still waiting for a response there.)
So... I've waited for things to improve. Days, months, years. Has it been decades at this point? I wouldn't be surprised.
And yet... waiting won't accomplish anything. If anything, it's going to make things worse.
But I'm so exhausted, both physically and mentally. Everything, even the littlest things, feel like a momentous task. I can never seem to finish anything I start. But I have to start again somewhere. I can't just do nothing all the time. Or else I'll rot even further.
Realistically, what do I even do here? Where do I begin? What do you do if you feel like you need to do something, but don't know what it is, how to do it, or can't even do it at all?
Maybe... maybe I'll just rot some more. It's not a choice I want to make, whether that's consciously or unconsciously, but it doesn't feel like I can really commit to any other choice I could make. It wouldn't work, anyway.
I'm used to it, after all.