Integration
So, how's it going? Been a while.
I've been somewhat busy with life. Had a few gut punches here and there, feeling anxious about the future. I mean, how couldn't I? With the current state of the world (and my life situation), things are starting to feel increasingly more oppressive. Not necessarily in a urgent or dangerous way, moreso… a socially acceptable one.
Now, what do I mean by that?
Think of it this way: most of you reading this are probably adults (like me), and some of you may not even have a job (also like me). That's perfectly fine by itself. Some people need a bit longer to be ready for work, or they're going through a period where work isn't possible, for whatever reason.
Recently, though, I was visiting some friends since we haven't seen each other in a while. I wasn't in a great mood that day, but I figured it'll iron itself out and it won't be a bad time. And it wasn't! There was fun to be had.
However, the topic of housing and jobs came up. I was pretty quiet during the majority of the conversation topics, so I was simply listening. And as time went on, I had the realization creep up on me that I just… don't fit in anymore in that regard. And it's not like they're bad people. Two of them (they're brothers) are people I've known since kindergarten, one of which I still talk to regularly online.
Rather, I've had this rising sense of anxiety. Paired with my bad mood, I was the sole person responsible for things going downhill in my mind. I didn't bring it up to anyone during the visit, but I think it was more or less obvious to them that something was up with me.
I eventually called it quits for the day. I'd typically stay around for longer, but I realized it wasn't good for me. One of the friends did invite me to play something together with them tomorrow, so I agreed. So tomorrow came around, we played together, but the bad mood was still lingering. I didn't feel funny - as in, able to make people laugh - so I quit early again.
Later that day, I had a panic attack.
There's people that call me smart, funny, just an enjoyable person to be around. Maybe that's true, though I always get this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that something's off.
Am I being myself?
How much of me is trying to be a people pleaser? Am I being manipulative? Or is whatever I'm trying to do genuine? I often question myself as to whether my behavior is socially acceptable or not. Most everyone would probably tell me to not put that much thought into it and simply accept certain things at face value… but that's unfortunately not how my brain works. It may be the autism that's responsible for this, who knows, I just don't like putting the blame on things that I could have control over.
I did have intensely deep conversations with some people these last few months. Conversations that made me realize I really am an outlier in terms of brain activity. Not necessarily smart - I leave that description to others - but definitely having the focus on details that others would miss. I always want to consider every possible factor to wager my opinion or behavior on something, and those points where others would quit is where I just get started.
Naturally, I end up in rabbit holes that way… far more often than I'd like. It's not often where someone tells me something, where my brain goes through three different points in a matter of seconds, and sputters out something that's incomprehensible and confusing to the other person. In my mind, I often end up thinking "of course they don't get it, they're not you".
Knowing all this, I'm clearly capable of not falling behind, knowing how to get things done or how to pick my words. But if that's the case, why do I still struggle to do something as simple as, well… anything?
No matter how many times I try, no matter how much advice I follow, for me, it all fails at the execution. And if not that, it fails at the commitment. It's like I've already planned my next five steps ahead of time without realizing it. And if it is something new I'm trying out, I could have the greatest optimism in the world… in the end, it still comes to the same conclusion: failure.
I look at the people around me, improving in their hobbies, their approach to things, and I envy them, because they've got all these little success stories to celebrate. I, however, feel stagnant, sometimes remissive, as if nothing ever truly changes, and introducing misery in peoples' lives purely by accident - not all the time, occasionally.
Some people would tell me "try harder", "try again", and it still doesn't work. They would tell me "you didn't try hard enough", but end up being the same ones that are out of ideas that could help me. Sometimes I come up with ideas they couldn't think of, while it merely feels natural to me. I didn't put any thought into it, it just makes sense to me. A lot of things just make sense to me, while others get stumped at the mere thought of "why doesn't it work".
Well, I stump myself with the question "why can't I do this". Everyone knows I could. I just can't.
Maybe, after reading all this, you want to talk and have some words of wisdom to share with me. Maybe you want to ask me something and offer solutions. Maybe you think to yourself "I know EXACTLY what to do". I hear you, I won't stop you, I'll listen.
But I'll tell you the same truth I've told others before: "I already tried."