Permanent Regret
Every so often, I get gloomy. Maybe you're thinking "oh, that's normal, everyone's got their bad days", and you'd be right! I keep a lot of optimism inside of me and try to make someone's day better if I can.
Sometimes, though, no matter how optimistic you are, you can't help but feel bad for whatever reason. And if I'm in one of those periods, it gets really bad. Most of the time it's unprovoked, too - my mind just wanders to random unpleasant events and decides by itself whether that's how I'll be spending my day or not.
And most of the time, I don't really show that to others. "It's just baggage they don't need to know about, they've got other problems to deal with." In a sense, I'm not letting my mind rest with that kind of behavior. On the other end though… I just can't help it. It basically happens instinctively.
I do try to get out of peoples' ways as much as possible. I'm not the kind of person to bug others with something if I could do it myself. So instead, I spend a lot of time by… myself.
While stuck inside these thoughts, I'm often reminded of the past. Things that could've gone differently, things I should've done differently, the people I've talked to. I can't really get them out of my mind, and I often carry unnecessary stress because of it.
Of course, other people don't notice this… unless I bring it up, which I rarely do. I tend to keep my emotions greatly subdued, so it's very difficult for others to tell what kind of mood I'm in. But I do laugh a lot, and most of the time they're genuine laughs.
Which is why I hope to instead spread the positivity I try to show. Just the other day, I was submerged in hours of conversations involving drama I heard about, and while the topic was no doubt interesting, I eventually got physically exhausted hearing and talking about it. At some point, I was fully ready to move on to something else - there's only so much negativity I can take.
Now imagine that conversation involves you. Perhaps you did something wrong, and people are sitting down with you to discuss it. You eventually realize what the problem is, apologize or try to rectify the problem otherwise, and everyone's ready to move on. That's how healthy criticism should work.
However, there's some people - or, in fact, a lot of them - who insist on non-stop talking, or never-ending punishment in that sense… and for what reason?
- It's the only way they know how to treat bad behavior.
- People should learn what it feels like to experience punishments.
- There's no learning without being punished.
- There's no redemption for mistakes, even minor ones.
These are common impressions I'm getting from people who try to enforce their ideals. They don't necessarily say these words outright, but if you've ever had the feeling that someone hates you for some reason… well, that's pretty much those "gut feelings" speaking.
Gut feelings are not always wrong, but they're not always right, either. Oftentimes spurred by miscommunication, one may not feel certain about why a conversation went wrong, or why someone got upset at something that was said. You don't necessarily get a chance to answer properly either, or to hear the thoughts of the upset person. And that's fine.
It might nag you that you were lacking the right words, or that you didn't get to finish your thought, or you didn't agree with someone's opinion, or you just plain didn't get to hear it in the first place. Sometimes, though, some conversations are better interrupted and continued at a later time, or maybe never continued at all. It largely depends on who you talk to, and about what. Could be your best friends, even… maybe certain words are just better saved for later, or completely left unspoken.
If your goal is to always tell people about what the "best thing" is, and if you always disagree on what's best for them, you may find yourself in a continuous cycle of trying to prove people wrong. It can be enough force to drive people away, to cause them to block you or - in especially bad cases - even harass you.
And then you try to one-up these people or let out your frustrations on others, which in turn will also do the same thing to you if you provoke that kind of behavior for long enough… and before you know it, you're stuck in an endless cycle of hate and misinformation. Nothing matters but proving people wrong, one way or another, even if it costs all of your sanity, your friendships and your relationships.
I've long given up on convincing people of what's the "best" - in reality, there is no The Best Thing™️… or, in other words, there is no perfection. What people deem "perfect" differs from person to person, and you'll never find someone whose views "perfectly" align with yours - there'll always be at least one deviation.
But that little "perfectionist" inside of me will probably never die. And it's one that I don't direct outwards, but rather inwards. You don't realize you've been chasing something that doesn't exist unless you've had years upon years of time to process everything that's happened to you.
It's when you start to realize the way you've treated certain people in the past probably wasn't the best. And if you're like me, someone who was surrounded by hate and lack of boundaries for the majority of his life, you might also realize how royally you've fucked some people over. For all you know, you may have permanently affected their life for the worse, and you have no way of fixing it… whatever "it" is.
Nowadays, I don't talk to these people anymore. Maybe I hate them, maybe they hate me, maybe we equally hate each other, or we parted ways before things got worse. Point is, with these people, I'm maybe better off never crossing paths with them again.
Either way, I've met new people to hang out with. I've learned a lot along the way to make sure I treat them with respect - they make sure to do the same with me, too. We've had our quarrels as well, but managed to amend them. The saying "time heals all wounds" does have merits when you think about it that way… I'm just glad I'm among people I feel comfortable with being around.
However, every now and then, I think about the people I specifically have wronged. Perhaps some of the people I had problems with feel the same way about me, but I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for my own stupidity, despite the fact I'm not that person anymore.
No one would ever know, though. I don't really share my stories with others, I share a smile instead.
It kind of makes you wonder whether that by itself is enough of a punishment.